Daughter just told me, "Dad, I don't make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches."

One day her picture will be on money.

My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just wonder about stuff?

Well based on my phone battery I will be leaving the office in about 32%

If you're curious how the future generation is coming along, my 2 yo can change the settings on an iPad but still can't figure out a spoon.

Sometimes I draw a little star next to stuff written on the bathroom wall of a gas station. It's good to remember our founding fathers.

Whatever, people with real Tupperware instead of washed out margarine tubs.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Daughter just climbed up on the coffee table and tore her diaper off. Does this mean we have to change her name to Cinnamon?

They never put the amount of regret on the nutrition label.

After falling off the treadmill for the 3rd time, I decided my river dance station on Pandora was not the best idea.

Having a toddler just means the remote for the TV is under the sink in the guest bathroom.

Obviously

Made it to the gym this morning. Broke a sweat untangling my earbuds. Hit the showers. Bought a $6 smoothie. Buckle up world, I am on fire.

Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

I don't think my wife realizes how lucky she is that they don't make light up Transformer shoes in adult sizes.

Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she's either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

Know this: No matter how old I get, I will always give a push, stand on the bottom bar of a grocery cart, and coast through the parking lot.

I am a mild mannered guy but I have little kids and your "one at a time" napkin dispenser kind of makes me want to burn this place down.

I have a wife & 2 daughters, all I want is 1 morning where someone isn't walking around the house on the verge of tears looking for a shoe.

Just nailed the perfect ratio on this chocolate milk, so yeah, Saturday night is about to get rowdy.