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Cruise ship muster drill. Because of course that's what would happen in an actual emergency with 2,000 panicked drunk people.
Last night I dreamt that Tony Stark wrote us into his will and that's really the most solid retirement plan I have at this point.
Unable to focus on making money because I'm too worried about making money. I'm really good at this self-employment thing apparently.
My father puts a trash can at the curb to save "his spot" but then doesn't park there either because it's too much of a hassle to move it.
Is it too hot in our house? I don't know, you tell me.
I just tried to eat a banana but it was melted inside the peel.
I can't even pretend to give a shit about Monday Night Football, sorry.
Responding to work emails at 11 pm: Dedicated
Responding to work emails at midnight: Creepy and pathetic.
The older I get, the more scared I get by the knowledge that children consider their parents examples of what grown-ups are supposed to be.
Two friends had dogs die yesterday and another posted a bald picture of herself because she's going through chemo.
My life is fucking cake
My husband loves cemeteries. Today we almost pulled into a new creepy one until he said "Oops, I think that's a middle school."
No, no, I get it. I just don't care.
Wondering if there's a correlation between the suddenly dark sky and the increase in skinny pale guys walking around without their shirts on
Women: Excuse me. *Reaches past to grab item on grocery shelf*
Men: Are you hitting on me??
"Well back when I was trying to get pregnant we used to..."
--TMI from my mother-in-law
Prepping for a 48-hour stay in a cabin with the in-laws by bringing two weeks worth of snacks and a bunch of new stuff on the Kindle.
I'm that grown up who'll still go into a petting zoo even though I don't have any kids.
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