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GF hates when I come home late, covered in body glitter and smelling like strip club. But the money's great and I look hot in these pumps.
Those glares tell me people know what I just did in my car. Screw you, it was one Huey Lewis song and I didn't even know all the words.
Drinks at 6? Oh, I can't because I, ah... um... wish you were dead? Sorry. I'm not too good at this whole "brush-off" thing.
I kept asking the waitress at the Chinese restaurant if I could put my meat in her dumpling, but she didn't appreciate my wonton advances.
Awkward silence is my favorite kind of laughter.
Putting crack rock and booze in the live traps hasn't yielded any woodchucks. But I have caught three drifters and Amy Winehouse.
In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch A Coworker Mon., No Pants Tues., Drunk At Work Wed., and Call In Sick Thurs.
I never thought a pet rabbit would actually be useful until the day we ran out of Swiffer cloths.
Cynicism is hindsight's sarcasm.
The trick to surviving a night of shameful, irresponsible behavior is to wake up too hung over to feel regret.
I hate when people assume I'm stupid. So what if they're right? They should still have to find out the hard way.
I love driving around with the stereo cranked. Drowns out the sobbing coming from the trunk.
Why the hell is Legally Blonde always on Oxygen? Uh, I mean FOOOOTBAAAALL
An obnoxious ringback tone is the new too much cheap cologne.
I like to leave a bottle of Prozac on my nightstand in case she needs a mourning-after pill.
I once dated a girl who said I should treat her like a princess. Bitch didn't even appreciate the pee under her mattress.
The dog farted, then got up and left the room. Now GF thinks **I** did it. Well played, dog. Well played.
I like how Michelob Ultra is in those skinny cans. It really is the Virginia Slims of beers.
Has anyone invented a toilet that plays a belch sound after you flush it? If not, I think I've just found my ticket out of this dump.
Why is it that most people will readily admit to being horrible drivers, but never admit to grossly overestimating their own importance?
RT @sailormidori i've concluded that dominos pizza laces their cheese with ex-lax.no other explanation for the eldritch horrors pouring forth from my bowels.