I keep my eyes open during sex, so I can see that moment when your disappointment sets in.

I can never remember...is it "xBox"? or "Xbox"? My point is, I'm so lonely.

I fucking hate the people at the Museum of Tolerance.

Why yes, you should by all means wear your turquoise bra and backless top. Because you're a whore.

You need a drug test to get welfare in Florida. Cool. I assume you need an audit to get tax cuts, too?

Man, I suck at favstar. I'm been tweetalicious for hours and not. one. star. Do I need to show you guys my vagina?

Facebook is where I go to remember why I don't go to class reunions.

At least two people unfollowed me tonight. I will hunt you down and skin you. Could somebody tell them I'm coming? They don't follow me now.

Only in women's sports do announcers tell you how many children each player has.

Weird, nobody's high-fiving the Japanese players. Like they're radioactive or something.

I hate you women. Your monthly vag troubles have ruined shark week for me.

Babies suck. Why can't they just poop in the yard, like the dog? Morons.

Nice try, people countering Michele Bachmann with facts.

Okay, weirdos, time for me to go to bed! I love you all, except for you. You can fuck off. You, over there. Get naked.

Thinking of growing a neckbeard for baby birds to hide in.

I have an actual thing to do with actual people at 9:30 tomorrow morning. It's weird; I'm not sure how to act out in public.

Crippling shyness and insomnia? Successful relationships are obviously in my DNA!

I put my tshirt on correctly. Like a fucking boss.

When I sex up the ladies during their "time", I use a Sean Connery accent and call my cock "Red October".

If I was a ship's captain, I'd name my vagina "seagate". Also I would need to be a chick. And I would be so fucking hot, you guys.