Just saw my ex with a new boyfriend. He went in to kiss her and I shouted, Hey my dicks been in there!

I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."

I saw a girl wearing a "fight poverty" t shirt. So to try to impress her, I went over and punched a homeless person.

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it's Steve, he's super cute.

I tried to kill myself once with Asprin, but after the first two I felt better.

Do not mix LSD with Cocaine. The last thing you want with a hallucinogen is confidence.

My parents have been married so long, my dad doesn't even look both ways before crossing the street anymore.

I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks ago. I'm going back to toilet paper.

Playing a new game on my girlfriends computer, its called guess the password.

My dick is stuck to my calf. The animal not my leg.

Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.

I went to the doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating. I ask why? He said , "So I can examine you."

Had sex with my girlfriend and she fell out of the bed onto the floor. I shouted "5 second rule" and kept fuckin her. "Corinthians" I think.

My girlfriend got mad cause I got off in about a minute. I said, well we were doing it doggystyle so that would make it like 7 minutes.

I was just dishonorably discharged from Old Navy.

Split a cab with a stranger and it was eerily quiet. So I grabbed her by the hand and said, "I hate it when we fight".

Just asked my girlfriend for a quickie. She said, "as opposed to what."

Forget Viagara, I need a pill that makes my girlfriend like me for four hours.

Hey hippie! You don't have to smell like earth to save it.

I love fat people in motorized carts. That show's real commitment to your eating when you give up walking.