I sharpen my knives every day just in case one of you fuckers ever figure out where I live. And because I like my tomato sliced really thin.

I'm an attention whore. Twitter is my enabler.

Pro tip: Your kid will get better presents at their party if you have an open bar for the adults.

Mind in the gutter, hand in my pants. That's how I roll.

I can smash your skull like a walnut shell with my thighs. I won't, but I can. :)

If I can't make you pull the truck over at 2am onto some road in the middle of no where to fuck, I'm doing it wrong.

Surprise wake up sex is great. Unless you're in prison.

See that little RT button right next to the star???? Use it, fuckers. It's sexy.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Maybe this is why I'm single. No clue

If I've taught you anything during this relationship, it's how to teach the next bitch to give great fucking blow job.

If you write it and have to ask if it's funny, it's probably not.

A sweet southern drawl is my Kryptonite. So keep talking, the panties eventually melt away.

I will never need you to survive, but that won't stop me from aching for you when you're away.

Getting drunk at a 5 year olds birthday party? Yep, gonna do it.

Happiness ruins my ability to be a sarcastic cunt. Fuck that noise.

The stilettos I wore last night make a great shank. Just ask the guy who put his hand on my ass. Side note: Any kidney donors out there?

Sleeping would really save me money on cigarettes and vodka.

I just got eye fucked by your avi. Fuck, that was good.

Great, I said one funny thing, and now I've got to follow 57 new people. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm totally giving a fuck over here.

It's all fun and games until she gains 20 pounds.