Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Checking my online bank statement is my version of cutting myself.
Facebook says 30 of my friends like Dane Cook. Define "friend", Facebook.
Pound signs made us a shitty species.
If you open a comic book-themed coffee shop, you are legally obligated to name your largest drink size "Solomon Grandé".
Jeff doesn't think I can try to make babies in Flo the Progressive girl's asshole but he's not my real dad.
"It's so sad when people need booze to have a good time." -The biggest drinkers I've ever met, three years prior
Republican mantra: Zygotes and corporations are people; black people and homosexuals, not so much.
I like opinions, lists, and Oxford commas.
Almost time to go home and figure out what's wrong with my car. By which I mean I'm gonna drink girly drinks until I quit giving a shit.