This girl I know has a lot of daddy issues. She even has the special edition issue from April 1965, which is almost impossible to find.

If you need somebody else's validation - if your own satisfaction isn't enough - was it worth doing? *runs off to check FavStar*

You wouldn't believe the dirty looks I got from coworkers when I washed my penis in the break room sink.

I'm not technically drinking alone if my wife is in the next room shunning me, right?

I'd probably respect Charlie Sheen a little more if he simply claimed to be "breaking even".

What I bought: A realistic mold of Rosanne Barr's vagina. What I got: A slab of roast beef that had been hit with a hammer.

I can't wait until I'm old enough to be a burden on everyone around me.

There's no way I'm paying $9.95 a month just to see that girl's tits.

Found out the post office doesn't even recognize a tramp stamp as postage, and now I'm the primary suspect in the murder of such-and-such.

The good news is that now public masturbation counts as activism, which is going to save me a lot of uncomfortable explanations. #Horny2012

Remember Twitterers, if you don't have anything intelligent to say, you can always tweet inspirational messages!

Do atheists who think they're clever for not capitalizing the 'g' in God fail to capitalize proper nouns from other works of fiction, too?

Q: Why do girls make that duck face in photos?

A: They're stupid and think it gives them sexy cheekbones.

Okay? Now shut up about it.

Everybody was really shocked when Grandpa Joe got up out of his coffin. After all, it had been 12 years.

I'm sorry to hear that Nate Dong died. He was one of my favorite male porn stars.

As my 350 lbs mongoloid of a coworker squeezed into his chair, I thought of soft serve ice cream being squished between the pages of a book.

I hate the way people stare at me when I ride the coin-operated duck ride in front of the grocery store. Joyless bastards.

I just saved money on my car insurance by fucking a gecko!

Granted, everybody's shit stinks, but some people's shit stinks a whole lot more. Morbidly obese people, for example.

One of the greatest honors a chicken giving a speech can receive is a standing ovulation.