I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, I have one.

I am deeply offended that more of you haven't tried to sex me up yet. Deeply offended.

Really want to freak people out? Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

OMG, greatest term ever-calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

Rachel Ray has too much of a scratchy voice to be that peppy. I want her sitting on the porch smoking cigs, waiting for the spaghetti-o's.

I sometimes worry about my future, but then I remember how big my boobs are, and all is right again.

If star fucks were real fucks I'd be in the middle if a dry spell.

It's true what they say about working out making you happier-it could also be the wine I reward myself with.

The unexamined life is not worth living. Which is why I love Twitter, you examine all the parts of the mind I don't want to go near.

Rolling on the floor, kicking and screaming, throwing a massive tantrum because you really want something your way, doesn't work at 30.

I am also deeply offended that the last one only got 4 stars. Do I have an unreal appreciation for myself? Guess so.

Goddamn you Adam and Eve. Now we have to wear clothes and now I have to do laundry.

I wonder if these people I love on Twitter would really entertain me in real life? Wait...Twitter is real life-I'm a fuck up!

When I die and they see that I've checked the organ donation box, they are going to be so disappointed.

Nothing says I'm a porn star like eyelash extensions...well maybe anal bleaching does.

I totally wear make-up to the gym. Nothing is cuter than eyeliner sweat streaks. Nothing!

I'm not offended when people don't follow back-I just feel really sorry for them. But I'm in love w/ myself, so I'm biased.

Fuck you summer-making me go to the gym and shit.

If you wear sunglasses right in the middle of your forehead, I hate you the most!

If I had a daughter I'd force her to get an IUD. If she's like me she'll be a whore and I'm not raising a whore's baby.