Sometimes I waste a perfectly good day by getting out of bed.

I hate it when you turn me on by ignoring the fuck outta me.

I sent every guy I've ever had sex with a Happy Fathers Day text, cuz I'm a cruel bitch.

If you're lucky enough to have a man that puts up with your shit, suck his fucking dick and shut the fuck up.

When I first heard someone say "subtweet" I seriously thought they were tweeting from a submarine. Yeah, you get my disappointment here...

I take my pills with beer. I take my sex with lies.

Dude, I just wanna fuck.

I don't like people who only talk about politics or religion. Do you know how little we'd all argue if we talked about sex & music instead?

I'd fuck your sister to this song.





What? It's a good song.

I know I can't retweet myself but sometimes I wanna point one out cuz i think yall just missed that really great tweet.


All 400 of you :(

I can't find the energy to rub my own clit.


So I scroll, and refresh...scroll and refresh.

My cat drinks beer. She's my familiar.

Long story short dick.

Baby, you keep me up so late.

I see what you did there. You turned me the fuck on.

Now instead of being too different from the other kids on the playground, I'm too different from the other parents.

Considering I've never seen one, I'm assuming every Popsicle stand ever has already been blown.

Best friends were made for beer.

Blue balls is no fuckin joke when you're a girl.

WAKE THE FUCK UP