Twitter relationships like grief have 7 Stages.
1. Follow
2. DM
3. Flirty DMs
4. Sexy DMs
5. Unfollow
6. Block
7. Delete

God, please grant me the serenity to not give a fucking shit. Wisdom to stop fucking trying. And courage to occasionally take it up the ass.

Don't ever back me in a corner unless you know how to fuck a woman standing up.

The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

Men. Can't live with them. Can't eat yourself.

You know what's better than a good man with an incredible sense of humor?

Absolutely fucking nothing.

A gentleman always knows when to treat a lady like a whore.

Love means always pretending you're sorry.

Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply.

I laughed and called him optimistic.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

Oh, don't mind me. I'm just being a woman.

Love means never having to defend your twitter account.

Behind every great man is that little hole he wants fingered but is afraid to ask.

I have Angelina Jolie lips.


Unfortunately, they're not on my face.

The reason people are unhappy is that they think happiness exists.

Husband read my twitter shit for the first time. When he was done, all he said was "What the fuck is wrong with you?' Now, he's sobbing

Marriage means always wanting to scream "Shut the fuck up" but instead saying "OK honey".

A woman never forgets the first time she pretended it was her first time.

I hate commas more than I hate monthly periods.

At, least I know where, to put, the fucking, tampon!

What part of hold me like a bowling ball did you not understand?

Twitter: Where everybody knows your shame.