@executivesteve It’s cold hard fact.

@4eyes_ I’ll always think of you as the dog hair woman.

Yes, I’m watching Commando. It’s the greatest film ever made.

It is better to flank an enemy than meet head on. Dab their blood on your cheeks as a warning to the others. #tipsforgirls

Sony should rename the Playstation 4 as the Playstation 2 just to one up Microsoft.

If homosexuality is a choice why can’t I be a lesbian for a while?

I’d let Rebecca Front narrate my documentary if you know what I mean.

Working on my set of Rodney Dangerfield jokes about hating yourself.

I’m so friendless even my demons are impersonal.

Having a cull. No wait, joining a cult. No wait, winching a gull.

“You are bin.”

“No, YOU are bin.”

My relationship.

People are about as intelligent as a particularly cunning, racist sheep.

Next time you’re on a train platform watch what happens when the train pulls in. People start walking along in the direction of the train.

The Edinburgh Darts League is getting a lot of abuse this morning.

Imagine going back in time to the 90s and telling people that in 2013 we can watch TV. It would blow their minds.

I can’t wait to get the new Xbox and experience what it’s like to “watch TV”.

@nurseblurg WAY OF THE FUTURE

RIP H from Steps Blues Explosion.

I can’t stop saying “Blues Explosion” after everyone’s name.

When you retweet horrific things, you’re helping make Twitter horrific. NOW WATCH THIS DRIVE.