I miss the days when sex in a bathroom wasn't with a foot against the door yelling "mommy will be out in a minute"

The good thing about turning 41, my hubbie can lick my nipples and vagina simultaneously

Potty training leads to conversations you never thought you'd have.

My superpower?? I've had so many kids I can now use my vaginal lips like bat wings to fly way when I'm in danger.

Im going to be an awesome greeter at walmart someday. ''welcome to walmart get your shit and leave''

17yr old just told 14yr old to suck her dick. 14 responded "ill suck it good and let mommy watch" charm school wasn't wasted

Watching bon jovi perform on an awards show. I don't know why my 14yr old has to roll her eyes when I throw my bra at the tv. Geeze..

Thinking of wrapping the boy in two sided tape. Letting him flail around till everythings off the carpet.

the collapse of my mental health isn't as nearly as entertaining as I imagined.

Daughter told me she's not going to college, she just wants to work at a book/cd store. I guess rent and pot are free in the future

Why do people insist on coming in to eat one minute before closing. Has nobody watched "waiting" ???

Pro tip. Vicoden doesnt make nick jr any less painful

My 3yr old is telling knock knock jokes, the punchline to everyone of them is (random item here) in your butt. I really need a new sitter

If your husband retweets you, is it considered foreplay?

Apparently, twitter has decided to randomly star tweets for me..so your welcome

Thanksgiving at grandmas is a bonus for failure cook like me. She's way to doped up to remember how shitty the meal was.

Since dora is on Nick and not disney, she's got a pretty good chance of not whoring out when she hits 15 right?

I used to ask how old do I have to be before I can shave my legs, now I ask, How old do I have to be before I can stop.

Hubbie.. my nipples at attention does not mean I'm happy to see you. It means light the fucking pilot on the heater.

It would save a lot of drama if the family could have my bloody mary and xanax waiting at the door when I get off work.