Turns out I hate the player and the game. And the spectators. And the sponsors. And the vendors. And these seats.

All I'm learning from TLC is how to become a secretly pregnant hoarding sister wife to a family of midgets

Pretty sure Pabst was given the blue ribbon out of pity

Judging from the way the 3yo says "Juice" there will be no family field trips to the Holocaust Museum in our future.

"I'm just resting my eyes" is the "Just the tip" of naps

If you start a tweet with "I seen," I can only assume it will not conclude with, "the inside of a book"

If at 11:15 I answer the phone ”Good afternoon" don't correct me and tell me its morning. Close enough. Fuck off

It's a small world, but I still hate everybody in it.

Cafeteria cashier tells me he's "livin the dream". We have decidedly different dreams, sir.

I told someone I liked Coldplay because I was too embarrassed to ask "What?" a third time to her mumbled question. Now I have to live a lie

If only my body was as thin as my patience...

Can't get Barry Manilow songs out of my head. That's a sign of a stroke right?

It's Prince's birthday. In his honor, today I will try to be shorter and more sexual.

I'm not crazy right? No man texts a girl for six hours just because he wants to be her friend.

Welp folks, I've reached that point in my day where I wanna stand up in the middle of the silent room and do the running man

I have taken one for so many teams, I can’t even keep my uniforms straight

There's two sides of every story, but if at least one side is being told by a talking monkey, I ain't interested

I've perfected my fake laugh and feigned interest in sports. I think I'm ready to start dating again.

So it's "feed a cold, stab Justin Bieber"?

Dear McDonalds Drive Thru Girl: We can't BOTH be dead on the inside. Fake it for me.