Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that's the plan

Sarah Palin says Obama should "Stop reading the Teleprompter and do his job!" While reading a Teleprompter and having NO job. Well played.

Woman in front of me at the grocery bought 18 bags of marshmallows, a carton of smokes, and a quart of gin. We exchanged numbers.

"It's where me and 1000 people I don't know discuss our genitals" -Me explaining Twitter to Dad

I was going to write a love poem for the husband, but I couldn't come up with a rhyme for "you ruined my life"

Whenever I see a really ugly person I think "I bet they are beautiful on the inside"
Then I hit them with my car to check.

I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

Following falls into three categories:

1. You're funny.
2. You have a cute avi.
3. Afraid to unfollow because you might kill me.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I'm cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.

people think I retweet too much, well blow me, I am not part of whatever "Elite" you douches speak of. This is supposed to be fun.

Husband: We should have sex more often.

Me: with each other???

Then we both laughed and laughed.

Thinking of starting a club. To beat people with.

I just spent $80.00 to have someone tell me "Why you gro toenail so long? you no eagle"

You young people are so adorable with your dreams and shit.

If Twitter gets any slower I'm just going to jog to each of your houses and shout out stuff.

Scars make you who you are.

Or were.

Or you're accident prone.

Worst inspirational tweet ever.

I'm so glad I don't have a tail because I fear it would wag at the most inappropriate times, like funerals for people I never liked.

There are limits to my friendship. I WILL:

1. Help you hide a body
2. Provide an alibi

I WON'T:

1. Help you move.

Life comes down to two simple thing:

1. Find the right person.

2. Fuck them.

Random guy told me I had beautiful feet. My response "Hello, my boobs are up here sicko"