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Twitter, I had to draw the line somewhere. Last night, it was on your left butt cheek, with a sharpie, while you were sleeping. Sorry.
I'd like to start a magazine to make people feel better. I think I'd call it "Clutter" or "Disarray" or maybe, "Everybody Already Loves You"
Twitter, I had the strangest dream! And you were there, and you were there, and you...
Push-up bras are not for fakery, they're for fun! Push-up bras are like high heels for your tits.
Most embarrassing dental moment: Dentist stops working, asks me politely to "please stop tonguing the instrument." #IBlameTheLaughingGas
Twitter, I had too much sangria, I'm drunk dialing you now. Come on over.
Yesterday I was looking at my older half-sister, reassured by her hotness. She snapped, "Stop looking at me to see old you!" #SisterESP
My phone, with a text from my bf I'm afraid to read, has been under a pillow for 15 hours. Do you think the text has had time to get nicer?
Boyfriend: When you say,"My luck started the day I met you, Baby," it's more convincing if it doesn't sound like you're twirling a mustache.
Boyfriend's msg: "Wanted to say hi, Baby. You seemed a bit down last night on the phone. I could tell. Especially when you started crying."
Hello Twitter! Today, my Tweets will be accompanied by a gentle warming sensation on contact, to enhance your pleasure.
You go, Sarah Palin! Never thought to use the blood of an Arizona congresswoman in my matzo balls. What a delicious innovation! #BloodLibel
My boyfriend can tie a knot in a cherry stem with his tongue in 2 secs. Bet he listed that as a 'trick to wow the ladies' in some magazine.
Twitter, I'm hurtling in a cab towards sex, not stopping at home. It's monogamy pay off time.
Uh oh, Twitter. Boyfriend calling. Perhaps he brings news from the far off land of our relationship. Must remember not to blame messenger.
Twitter, I am so sore I can't sit down. Not for some fun, kinky, sexy reason, but as a result of risky sledding behaviors.
Twitter, I'm wearing my new corset. I LOVE corsets. I can love corsets and still be a feminist, right?
I hope you're wearing your Twitter pants. Note: Tweets may contain whining and/or sexual references. Note: Tweets may not be able to contain my love for you.
