HR just brought us all bottles of Purell so we don’t get sick and miss work. So I drank mine. The chess match continues.

My parents don't like it when I refer to them as "my wife's in-laws."

There's some new guy in our office today. I am assuming he works here. But he might just be a real go-getter homeless guy.

All those election signs in people's yards sure are confusing. I think I just voted for someone's realtor.

Oprah asked Sarah Palin about her plans for 2012. She said she’d wait until it comes out on DVD.

I bet Darth Vader's wife woke him up a lot because he was snoring.

A co-worker looks just like one of the contestants on that show The Biggest Loser. I can't wait to tell her. She'll get a kick out of it.

Two roads diverged from the kitchen table. I took the one that went back to bed.

Today’s lesson: Show up late to office birthday parties. You still get the cake, but don’t have to participate in the singing. Oh, yeah.

You know those people who use cartoons for their twitter avatar? Yeah, we’re even uglier than you’d think.

For my company’s Halloween party, I am going as a cynical, anti-social web developer, which is great because I already own the costume.

Twitter Lists sounds a lot like high school. I know I’m going to be sitting at the nerd table again.

I keep hearing that Sarah Palin got a million dollar retainer for writing a book. Sounds like a weird dental plan to me.

I was just reading an article on what to do if your coworkers spend too much time surfing the internet. People like that really bug me.

All these insurance commercials get me thinking some important questions. Like, did cavemen eat lizards?

In hindsight, I am glad I didn’t get that "Hall and Oates" tattoo.

Listening to management discuss Twitter is like listening to preschoolers discuss their subprime mortgages.

FYI, you can get your flu shot at Costco. Unfortunately, it only comes in a 30-pack. But that should last you a few years, right?

Does anyone else think it's a bad idea that you get an extra hour of sleep on the night your house is most likely to get egged?

If Pippa Middleton married (and divorced) @therealredman, @jabbathehutt, and @sergiocilli, she'd be Red Hutt Cilli Pippa.