Sometimes I stand in the checkout line w nothing to purchase wait to be asked "how can I help you" stare blankly whisper "you can't" & leave

Don't talked to me until I've had my morning cup of coffee, my lunch, my afternoon coffee, my dinner, my nightcap, and my sleeping pills

Dear @robdelaney , your tweets move me to tears I adore them so, thus I made you this Valentine (don't show wife k) <3 http://t.co/cBRfdfYj

Wouldn't it be fun if when guys whistled at girls we started cawing and pecking at them and pooping on their head

.@mythbusters will my fingers get pruny if I masturbate for too long

Nothing screams "America!" like America Ferrera's husband in bed

If I'm ever in a coma dress me like Sleeping Beauty this is going in my will

Someone should tell Drew Peterson he's been doing the Fuck Marry Kill game really wrong

Well @robdelaney favorited my tweet AND made my vagina feel beautiful, so no, this day couldn't get better #humblebrag #FF

Sext: you be your dad and I'll be your mom

Stick a fork in me, I lost my spiky dildo :(

I would like people more if I hated people less

If you speak from your heart you will never regret telling someone how you feel--it will free you! And make your heart swell with happiness

I hate when I tell people I dated my professor and they're like "Oh Easy A's huh?" First of all, they're C's, and he had to work for them

Jesus was human so he was either married, having sex out of wedlock, or masturbating PICK ONE, CATHOLICS

If they blasted reggaeton in war zones all sides would be too busy krumping to fight

What kind of wine never produces black urine? Pinot noir hahahahahahahahahaha *clouds open up, harp music plays, I ascend into the heavens*

And then he and his disciples BLASTED "The Boys Are Back in Town" as they took a joyride around Jerusalem with the top down @robdelaney

The burrito place just asked if I wanted my usual goodbye world

@robdelaney How do I know if I have a pretty vagina??My parents always said it's the inner labia beauty that counts, but now I'm not sure :/