@amaeryllis Alcohol doesn't get people drunk. People get people drunk.

@thatgirlmegan Always do what entertains you. If anybody comes along for the ride, that's just added bonus!

The Titanic's structural integrity is so sound, we award it the coveted and unprecedented AAAA rating. #StandardAndPoorsThroughoutHistory

@pleadthe_fifth That was pretty awesome. #dropsmic

@pleadthe_fifth Law student. Former neuroscientist. Bodybuilder. You are quickly moving up the ranks of my follows.

@whyofcorso Left girl's apt. She leaned forward. I thought to hug. Actually to grab door. I realized this after most awkward hug ever. #fail

@whyofcorso You're beating everybody in my feed. In case tax law doesn't work, you have a reporting career ahead of you!

@therealjayyarow If only Chris Christie hadn't gotten married, he could have kept his gig at Calvin Klein.

@nathanlfuller @swglasspit @acarvin @theonion It just goes to show that the riskier your humor, the better the joke needs to be.

@pleadthe_fifth Thanks. I needed that.

@pleadthe_fifth My Appalachian accent will lull you to dreamland.

@pleadthe_fifth Also sent you a snap proving my Pirates-related shame.

@whyofcorso I remember a guy in middle school who said that since Tupac's music was still being released, that proved he was alive.

@whyofcorso They are generally the least likely to know that.

@whyofcorso No raisin to be so hateful about it.

@whyofcorso I don't think I ever did that. Good idea in hindsight. I like the unnecessary degree of difficulty. Oh well.

@whyofcorso All you need is Sarah McLachlan and you will make a killing. Hell just thinking of "Angel" makes me want to write you a check.

@whyofcorso You should use your CPA and legal skills to start a charity that tries to end that terrible condition.

@pleadthe_fifth Cool. Well I love giving girls massages when the opportunity presents itself! I aim to please!

@pleadthe_fifth It was a good thing to say. More should do so.