We have prescription medication for thin eyelashes if you were wondering why other countries hate us.

Guys who pronounce the word "bro" like "bra" are probably pretty unfamiliar with actual bras.

"Let's see, what's the most embarrassing song on here" -my ipod shuffle in the presence of others

If you try to look sexy in a picture with your kid, fuckin knock that off.

If I move my arm this baby will wake up. So I'm pretty sure I know how that 127 hours guy felt.

Being a nurse is 75% patience and 25% being able to not pee for 12 hours.

I'd like to thank autocorrect for making me look extra smart by changing "ego" to "eggo". That guy sure does have an alter waffle.

Then who was it, Shaggy?

When I drive to work at 4 am and see you out for a run, I'll just assume it's one of your life's dreams to be abducted & sexually assaulted.

1. Go to dig car out bc you're a badass and you don't need a man
2. Realize you don't have a shovel
3. Bake cookies
4. Set women back 50 yrs

If you were curious about the taste of breastmilk, your baby barfing it into your mouth is a good way to become less curious.

My goldfish has completely forgotten about 9/11. Total dick.

One of my facebook friends just ate a banana you guys.

"NO amount of alcohol is okay while breastfeeding" -fb friend who just got themselves unfriended

You know that person that made you believe you'd never be happy again? Yeah, fuck them.

If you abbreviate happy birthday to HBD, then please GFY.

If you text me that you "should of" done something, I should HAVE never given you my number.

Women's tennis gives me that uncomfortable watching a sex scene with your mom feeling.

Not sure what church was about but there are 27 ceiling tiles in the cry room.

I'll kick my 300th follower off a cliff and shout some shit about Sparta.