Following me and posting passages from the bible just shows you haven't been paying attention.

It's not that I envy my cat because he can lick his balls, it's because he can do it in a crowded room without criticism.

So "XOXO" is 'hug, kiss, hug, kiss'?

All this time I thought it was 'puckered asshole, gapeing asshole, puckered asshole, gapeing asshole'.

I'm wearing a golf shirt today, not to play golf, but because it seems to have worked for Tiger Woods.

I apologize for being so crass and vulgar on here all the time.... No I don't. I can't even fake it. Fuck it.

Dear Amature Twitter Psychologists, keep your assesments of people's character to yourselves. No one gives a fuck what you think.

It's amazing that this baby already has that 'new baby smell'. I saw where she came from and fully expected her to smell like vagina.

If someone on Facebook tries to bitch you out for your status, is it ok to say "You're just mad I didn't call you back after I fucked you."?

Singing "I'm a dad fuckers!" is NOT appropriate hospital etiquette.

Another woman's hand was just in my girlfriends vagina and it's not as hot as I'd hoped. DRs ruin everything.

Not funny. Today has been an unfunny twitter day people. I want you all to delete your earlier tweets and tomorrow, we start fresh.

ProTip: Never hurl insults. Rocks fly further and hurt more.

Do hookers give discounts if you just want them to sit and eat wings with you while pretending to find you interesting? I'm treating.

Hey iPhone, I MEANT 'sucks' as in dick; not 'ducks' as in waterfowl. Enough with the auto-correct already.

Regarding the whole "Weiner-Gate" thing... ...guys, his name is "Weiner".
It's like Lou Gerhig getting Lou Gerhig disease.

Inevitable.

When my kid is old enough to help me cause trouble you're all fucked.

I bet if you ejaculated into a pirate's eye he'd be all "Aaaargh, me eye!" & then he'd put on an eye-patch... Sooo predictable.

The good news is that I actually think some of you deserve rug burns.

Me? Oh, I'm just crying because the best looking female escort I've seen in Canada is a shemale and I want to die now... *stabs eyes*

The english language is a piece of shit: How is it possible that tear and tear are two completely separate words? For fuck's sake.