Jesus could not swim. #BibleOmission

' But this AA+ grade really means AAA mom. So can I go play now?

In Iowa we filled up at KUM & GO GAS Co.

Twitter = life with subtitles.

What do you think the Flying Spaghetti Monster is doing tomorrow, hunting eggs ?

I don't believe that they could build a robot to do Twitter correctly.

Why am I doing this on my phone when i have the laptop on the nightstand? It's a fully equipped bedroom.

Just finished the drive. Snowblower is wonderful. Had to move all three cars. They call that a first world problem.

She carefully hung his special sock by the chimney with care hoping Santa soon would come there.

Starving hoarder standing before an open refrigerator, "eat it or keep it"?

Earth Day ? I'm looking for Earth and all I see is water. Had to go on Twitter to find dirt.

If you want me to look at your eyes, don't give me art or reading material on your chest.

When a teacher steps into the hall during class it is usually to fart. :-)

Far away may not need to encompass two spaces.

@zombieionism It would look like a 50s spiked wall clock. pic.twitter.com/3mam4YjY

#FF Because they need the company ; @gingergander, @emerylds

IN POOR TASTE, PENN STATE IS GETTING CREAMED.

Health plan is a drawer of Bandaids ™. #MablazarusFirstDayNightmares

I did that once and a strong wind blew shopping carts into the shiny paint. Ouch.

There is so much repetition here that I think I may have completed Twitter.