The second worst thing about dating a panda is never being able to have bamboo furniture.

If a girl sings "I'm Like a Bird" at karaoke, watch out: she excretes both liquid and solid waste through a single opening called a cloaca.

What's really messed up about those "SLOW CHILDREN" signs is how they always make the kids black.

I'm a reasonable man, so let's just see if we can have it down to Maroon 3 by year's end.

They're not temporary tattoos if you die.

Say what you will about Oklahoma, but it's been resting its boner on Texas's head since 1907.

I'm assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair.

Fisher-Price Little People give our young girls unrealistic ideas about how big the hole in their butt should be.

I'm pretty sure I know the best way to get fired from the bagel factory.

"Gentlemen, have we ever tried dancing on the debt ceiling?" - Rep. Lionel Richie (D-CA)

So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse.

I don't mean to brag, but I still fit into my girlfriend from high school.

It's more fun if you pretend "Baby On Board!" means an infant totally approves of their car choice.

If Conrad Murray gives you Propofol once, shame on him. But if he gives you Propofol twice, shamone!

Man, I totally forgot how good Nelson Mandela was in "The Shawshank Redemption."

I do feel a little bit bad for Casey Anthony because imagine the DVR situation she's coming home to.

Remember when we were scared of AIDS needles in pay phones? LOL Good thing we cured pay phones!

I guess if I had to join a gang it would be Burt's Bees.

At some point in our lifetimes, commercials will change from "Do you have diabetes?" to "Listen, we all have diabetes."

Wearing your Oakleys backwards is a stylish way to let people know you're amped about giving them HPV.