Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section...

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

I just checked my outdoor thermometer and it was "Get the fuck in the house" degrees outside.

there's new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it's either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it's Colin.

It grosses my mom out when people around her are eating and she is trying to smoke.

took the road less traveled.. now I'm fucking lost.

got new a deodorant ..Instructions say remove top and push up bottom.. My ass hurts but every time I fart the room smells great.

If I had a nickel for every time I've misplaced my keys, there'd be a jarful of money I would also have to look for.

It's not a Halloween costume if you dress up like a slut on the other 364 days of the year.

I'm glad the wife has cleavage, because you sure as hell can't motor boat a personality.

wife has trouble opening jars. It seems that involves a different set of muscles than slamming a door.

I think I've got an enlarged procrastinate.

Simon Cowell's home in London was robbed. Police say it was a professional. Cowel described them as "amateurish and uninspired."

I'm saying 'NO' to drugs to bring the price down.

The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.

Teacher: There are 2 words I don't allow in class. 1 is gross and the other is cool. MY SON: Oh yeah, so what are the words?

After last night, I know one thing is for sure; toilets don't hug back.

My home is like the Playboy Mansion except all the girls are inflatable and have a surprised look on their face.

I switched to midget porn to save space on my hard drive.