Are You Harder than a 5th Grader? #RejectedTVPilots

If I were a girl on my period, I'd have a tampon utility belt.

I like my women how I like my Olive Garden employees: underpaid and always tossing salad.

The worst part of a cock fight is when the chicken pecks my testicles.

I like my women like my nose: sitting on my face with my fingers in them.

Women should come with permanent mood rings.

The worst part of being white is having to watch all these repeats of "Frasier".

So doggy-style is not lifting up your leg while you piss on a girl.

I love Ambien's new slogan: "You'll sleep like a Ledger."

When Life gives me lemons, I laugh and think, "He still doesn't know that I'm fucking his wife!"

It's 2010 and I still need to shit? Come on science.

I sleep naked in hopes a young, sexy female robber breaks in and is super horny.

New followers: @ reply me and I'll send you the forms for our suicide pact.

I like my women how I like my pancakes: ready to be sloppily eaten in the middle of IHOP with everyone staring in disgust.

The tables would be turned against us if furniture could come to life.

My morning wood needs a female lumberjack.

The shorter the skirt, the longer my dick appears to be when it hangs out the bottom of said skirt.

In remembrance of the Twin Towers being knocked down, I'm going to get the Olsen Twins knocked up.

I fake diabetic comas during sex as an excuse for premature ejaculation.

My Bucket List is all women.