When the guy at Starbuck's ask you if you want room in your coffee for cream, lock eyes and say "Only yours" for extra morning creepiness.

I'm gonna start delivering DiGiorno and blow some goddamn minds.

I use Facebook to alienate myself from people I never really liked in the first place and Twitter to impress random alcoholics and whores.

If I had a time machine, at least 30% of the time I used it would be to go back and re-eat a sandwich.

If you dress your baby in a "Tapout" shirt, don't act like I'm the asshole when I shatter it's elbow in a perfectly executed arm-bar.

If I ever meet a time traveler from the past, I'm gonna show him that Keyboard Cat video on my phone,shrug and say "That's pretty much it"

I just saved a shitload of money on car insurance by making my parents pay for it.

Did you know that all orange juice is artificially flavored once they remove the oxygen? Did you know I've never been invited to a party?

If you can't wrap a chocolate chip waffle around a toaster strudel then you're probably not single.

Nothing worse than accidentally sexting your grandmother.


At least until she sexts you back.

People ask me all the time why I always use conditioner on my pubes.




It's so the styling gel holds better, retards.

This guy just heard me singing and said "Don't quit your day job." But the jokes really on him because I'm unemployed.

There's a family eating spaghetti out of Mason jars and sharing a gallon of milk at the laundromat. I feel like Jane Goodall.

Ever have a Tweet so good you nonchalantly toss your phone behind you and jog around the imaginary bases in your apartment?

So apparently you can't call people 'retarded' anymore. I'm surprised that guy even heard me, I thought he was retarded.

My friend called me queer earlier, I was so insulted I almost spit my boyfriend's penis right out of my mouth.

Congratulations on two weeks sober, Whitney Houston.

My family crest should include me drinking too much, yelling at the television, napping, and eating enough brownies to kill a police horse.

I bet if different kinds of sandwiches were people, Panini would be a huge asshole who does coke and wears Aviator sunglasses ALL the time.

God what a shit week. Ready to smoke a joint the size of Shaq's dick and watch 40 hours of Netflix.