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mom won't let me move the tv into the bathroom to bathe & watch tv, cause its unsafe. I'm so mad I could kill myself, but how will I do it?
a used condom just came blowing at me in the wind...........
growing up is when you are more excited to watch other people open the gifts you bought them instead of what they got you
phil dunphy on kids, "be their buddy.." "that's your answer?" "stay in school?" "nuh uh." "do their drugs!"
SITTING HERE CASUALLY AND A GUY HANDS ANOTHER GUY A DEAD DUCK BY THE NECK IN THE PARKING LOT AND THEN HE CARRIES IT INTO LITTLE CAESARS?
if I ever go missing, put my picture on the back of a wine bottle or my friends won't ever notice.
second hand embarrassment
when was katelyn's birthday? because I still can't bend my finger and it's been a while.. #memoirsofawino
I totally just punched myself in the face opening a bottle of wine, but if anyone asks it was chris brown.
logan deep throated a bong and I laughed forever
one time I fell down the stairs and my grandma was like, "you know, you can go to the clinic and get an abortion these days."
this kid beside me is picking his nose so core #2knucklesdeep
I masturbate cause I'm the only one with standards low enough to fuck me #SMASHESTHEKEYBOARD #boburnham
peter's is better then shitty friends
when I burp it tastes like dildos.
I'm going to write on the grad dress group wall, "I'm not sure which color to pick. which hides bacardi breezer spills and cum stains best?"
"she's a lesbian get it cause he looks like a girl!" mom: "OH HA HA JENNA YOUR BROTHER LOOKS LIKE THAT STOP BEING RUDE"
I see you drivin' round town with the girl I love and I'm like, I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR CAR UP NIGGA I HOPE YOU FUCKING BURN IN HELL YOURE SCUM
I'm a nice dude with some nice dreams, see these ice cubes? see these ice creams?