I just noticed something about the new header on http://t.co/suc1lPsl. Not sure if it's clever or coincidence. http://t.co/zL13AQ0f

I'm waiting for a keynote where Apple says, "We don't have a new, magical iPad for you. The magic was inside you all along. Now go outside."

Homosexuality isn't a lifestyle choice. Becoming a family values politician and banging dudes on the side? That's a lifestyle choice.

When you're a cyclops, hindsight is 20.

One time I was Facebook friends with a girl I kinda know but then she got a new last name and turned into a baby???

Sometimes I fear that none of my work matters and I'm actually in this office so aliens can feed me coffee and harvest my pee.

Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.

People are less likely to commit murder if they've eaten breakfast, according to a study I just made up in order to try to get free pancakes

I don't see how Helen Keller jokes are funny. I don't hear how they're funny, either.

FACT: You're allowed to drive over to Mark Zuckerberg's house and punch him in the balls because he hasn't opted out of that service yet.

Ladies, today is International Women's Day! I'll spare you the sexist joke. You probably wouldn't get it, anyway.

Still kinda surprised that Britney Fuck Vids showed up to the tweetup.

Funny that you claim to have listened to customer feedback, CEO of Comcast, because you have yet to mention having gone and fucked yourself.

I eat pancakes under my desk syruptitiously.

There are a few steps to preparing a microwave burrito, but the most important one is to lower your standards.

girl, that duck face is quacktastic. i wanna sit on a bench and throw you pieces of bread, you so fine.

I think I speak for everyone when I say billions of things at once in a ton of different languages and none of it makes any sense.

"Go ahead! Look at her boobs. She'll never know." -sunglasses

"You're never alone.": A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up bathroom mirror.

Using a MacBook Pro to run a virtual Windows XP machine is like hacking into the Matrix just to go into an older, shittier Matrix.