@tehawesome's (Henry) most faved Tweets...
Ladies, today is International Women's Day! I'll spare you the sexist joke. You probably wouldn't get it, anyway.
Funny that you claim to have listened to customer feedback, CEO of Comcast, because you have yet to mention having gone and fucked yourself.
There are a few steps to preparing a microwave burrito, but the most important one is to lower your standards.
I think I speak for everyone when I say billions of things at once in a ton of different languages and none of it makes any sense.
If LinkedIn were any less fun it would be called www.yourparentsdivorce.com/wasnt_that_sad/yesitwas.html?considercrying
"You're never alone.": A phrase that's maybe cute to find in a love note, but horrifying to find smeared on a fogged up bathroom mirror.
I bet for some people the scariest thing in the world is two gay Mexicans coming to America and taking all of our marriages and jobs.
Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but I'd be the Bear of Bad News. RAWWWR I AM A BEAR. I DO BEAR THINGS. THERE IS GLOBAL WARMING.
My new job welcomed me to the company via Twitter. That' s like your new wife sending you a friendly note written on your mistress's face.
I'm starting a band that only plays polka songs about Nostradamus's predictions. We'll call ourselves Accordion to Prophecy.
If you dream about work those are all billable hours, right? Except for the time spent eating ice cream in a rowboat with Batman, of course.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Awkwardly nod at your acquaintances when you pass them in the hallway.
If I ever hit on a hipster girl I'd say "Hey baby, you put the 'ten' in 'wasted potential.' And the 'pot.' And the 'wasted.' Get a job."
Googled "slash-mouth" just to see if that's a thing. Google asked if I meant "Smash Mouth." No, Google. I will never mean Smash Mouth.
If you get to call opposing abortion being "pro-life" then I get to call opposing stem cell research being "pro-cancer."
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