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I'm 29 years old and I go to bed at 8:30. Subscribe to this feed for more exciting updates as I learn about Epsom salt and 4pm dinners.
Accidentally listened to four seconds of Daughtry and now I'm pouring bleach in my ears and trying to throw myself on sharp objects.
Looking to trade some photography/video work for a new computer. Please hit me up or retweet if you can.
This power outage is causing the Ravens to come down off that Charlie Sheen sized coke high they got during half-time.
To the pompous, insufferable jerks: Stop linking the Denver shootings to politics, religion and your own pharisaical belief structure.
Can't wait to see everyone's Instagram'ed, blurry, out of focus pictures of fireworks tonight.
19 year old me: "Can't wait to get off work so I can stay up all night!"
29 year old me: "Can't wait to get off work so I can take a nap."
You'd think walking down the office hall singing The Cranberries would receive better reception than "shut-up, shut-up, shut-up you moron!"
I’m headed to NYC tomorrow if anyone wants me to to mail them back a hot dog or a falafel or something.
Sometimes you've gotta charge through a lava filled castle, stomp on a dinosaur and find out the princess is in another lava filled castle.
Every Walgreens has an abandon latter standing up in an aisle.
Every person who complains about Valentines day is secretly complaining about being friend-zoned.
When life gets you down, just keep in mind that there are some people paying to see this weeks Tyler Perry movie.
"NEW ORLEANS IS READY FOR THE SUPER BOWL!"
Sure it is.
Why is Pitbull a thing?
Dearest Atheists and Christians:
The "God-Particle" is a nickname for the Higgs boson. Stop turning it into a holy war.
"Men, grow beards and be totally rugged and awesome. If you can't grow a beard, don't try as you'll only look like a tool." -Jesus, probably
Cabin in the Woods is like Tucker & Dale vs Evil, except it's speeding through a school zone while on fire. And chased by ninjas. #SXSW
COFFEE!!!! PUNCH OUT A UNICORN AND POWER KICK A VELOCIRAPTOR IN IT'S STUPID FACE!! CAFFINE MAKES YOU AWESOME YOU DUMB MUGGLE!!!