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I'm 29 years old and I go to bed at 8:30. Subscribe to this feed for more exciting updates as I learn about Epsom salt and 4pm dinners.
Accidentally listened to four seconds of Daughtry and now I'm pouring bleach in my ears and trying to throw myself on sharp objects.
Looking to trade some photography/video work for a new computer. Please hit me up or retweet if you can.
I will miss Leslie Knope more than most real people.
Pulp Fiction came out 20 years ago today, which means my parents are probably still mad at me for going to see it in theaters.
This power outage is causing the Ravens to come down off that Charlie Sheen sized coke high they got during half-time.
To the pompous, insufferable jerks: Stop linking the Denver shootings to politics, religion and your own pharisaical belief structure.
If I have a child and you buy it a binky with a mustache on it, I will raise it to be a Kung Fu master, solely to beat you senseless.
Can't wait to see everyone's Instagram'ed, blurry, out of focus pictures of fireworks tonight.
19 year old me: "Can't wait to get off work so I can stay up all night!"
29 year old me: "Can't wait to get off work so I can take a nap."
You'd think walking down the office hall singing The Cranberries would receive better reception than "shut-up, shut-up, shut-up you moron!"
If I died today my epitaph would probably read:
“He was kind of a dick, but he always refilled the reservoir on the Keurig.”
I’m headed to NYC tomorrow if anyone wants me to to mail them back a hot dog or a falafel or something.
Sometimes you've gotta charge through a lava filled castle, stomp on a dinosaur and find out the princess is in another lava filled castle.
Every Walgreens has an abandon latter standing up in an aisle.
Every person who complains about Valentines day is secretly complaining about being friend-zoned.
When life gets you down, just keep in mind that there are some people paying to see this weeks Tyler Perry movie.
"NEW ORLEANS IS READY FOR THE SUPER BOWL!"
Sure it is.
Filmmaker, Mercurial Raconteur, Feminist, Sardonic, Bioroid. These statements are solely my opinion, and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer
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