They should make brown condoms for anal.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door over the weekend and asked if he could take a few minutes of my time. I told him it would cost $250.

Dear Durex, flavored condoms are a great idea, but dying them the color of the corresponding fruit is gross. Orange dicks are not sexy.

But seriously though, it takes a special brand of selfish or stupid to be a fortysomething male who's never heard of a clit.

Your loyalty should lie with your principles. Give it to a political party, you can kiss your values and critical thinking skills goodbye.

I'm all for being a cunt when it's time to be a cunt, but being a cunt just for the sake of being a cunt is really cunty.

When I send you a DM instead of an @ reply, it's because I'm embarrassed to be seen with you.

Many of you are complaining of wedgies today. Let me help. Buy pants that fit and why the fuck are you wearing underwear in the first place?

You're the customer. You tell me what you enjoy. Because if you ask what will make *me* feel good, you'll find yourself massaging my feet.

Calling me a whore does not insult me because I'm not ashamed. If I were unkind and judgmental I might have something to be ashamed about.

Believe people's self-deprecating comments. They aren't joking. My response to "I'm an asshole" or "I'm crazy" is "thanks for the warning."

You want to know the right time to lick a woman's face? I'll tell you. NEVERFUCKINGO'CLOCK, that's when!! #weirdday

I genuinely pity people who don't realize it's possible to feel good about yourself and your life choices without disparaging others.

I'm always the last to know the meaning of every new slang sex term. If not for urbandictionary.com, I'd be lost (and much less disgusted.)

Men, when a woman moans "keep going" she means KEEP GOING! How you get "Stop" or "Now give me some Urkel moves" from that, I don't know. :/

No need to make a grand announcement when unfollowing. So, I didn't entertain you in the exact way you wanted. Big deal. Get over yourself.

"Do you have stockings & heels?"

"Not today, but I can tomorrow"

1 hr later

"Do you have stockings & heels yet?"

"You're why I hate men"

"Are you taking your kid to work with you today?" Ahaha

*snort*

Bahahahahaha!!

OMG You're so clever. No one's ever asked me that before!

Why did I schedule two appointments? I do not want to be a responsible person. I want to drink coffee, do crossword puzzles, and pet my dog.

If the first thing out of your mouth is "yeah, what up", I am hanging up on you. There's such a thing as telephone etiquette; learn it!