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all coffee is instant if you ignore the part of your brain that recognizes time as being linear.
we found your daughter sue. she committed sue-cide. lol. no but seriously, she killed herself and it was probably your fault.
the thing i like best about the zoo is that the tiger HAS to listen to all of my problems because cages.
hear that knock at the door? that's obama. he here to take your guns. don't have any guns? then he gonna kill you. with a gun. then take it.
the priest said "you may now kiss the bride" and i muttered "so she can give you herpes too" a bit too loudly from the back row
nice HAT?!? this is just my regular face & head
*offers a woman-in-trouble a pez candy*
yeah eat your orange juice and your "complete breakfast" you idiot, i'ma listen to ruff ryder's anthem and bust out the door this morning
an "ARMY" where you get free education, are encouraged to stay fit, and learn how to function in society, but without making you kill ppl
no but here's an idea bob. we will make our microwaves loud. the door will open and close loud. every key will beep real loud. loud
wake up sheeple.WAKE. UP. what's with all these sleeping sheeple. get up! brrring brrring. hey, sheeple, it's earth calling, WAKE UP SHEEPLE
Orthodox jewish kid confusing his ghost costume with the holepunched sheet his parents have sex through.
if i have one weakness, it's that i suck at everything. absolutely everything.
would i like WHAT with that? oh, FRIES. i thought you said 'guys'. of course i wouldn't like guys with that. i am very straight and hetero.
came up with an idea for a movie it's called problem dave it is about a dave who causes a problem
you don't even have to invite people named carl to orgies, they just sort of show up eventually
i am making long-term plaaaaaannnnncakes. i am going to make pancakes. i love pancakes.