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the thing i like best about the zoo is that the tiger HAS to listen to all of my problems because cages.
yeah eat your orange juice and your "complete breakfast" you idiot, i'ma listen to ruff ryder's anthem and bust out the door this morning
nice HAT?!? this is just my regular face & head
the priest said "you may now kiss the bride" and i muttered "so she can give you herpes too" a bit too loudly from the back row
*offers a woman-in-trouble a pez candy*
an "ARMY" where you get free education, are encouraged to stay fit, and learn how to function in society, but without making you kill ppl
we found your daughter sue. she committed sue-cide. lol. no but seriously, she killed herself and it was probably your fault.
hear that knock at the door? that's obama. he here to take your guns. don't have any guns? then he gonna kill you. with a gun. then take it.
if i have one weakness, it's that i suck at everything. absolutely everything.
would i like WHAT with that? oh, FRIES. i thought you said 'guys'. of course i wouldn't like guys with that. i am very straight and hetero.
all coffee is instant if you ignore the part of your brain that recognizes time as being linear.
Orthodox jewish kid confusing his ghost costume with the holepunched sheet his parents have sex through.
came up with an idea for a movie it's called problem dave it is about a dave who causes a problem
you don't even have to invite people named carl to orgies, they just sort of show up eventually
i am making long-term plaaaaaannnnncakes. i am going to make pancakes. i love pancakes.
wake up sheeple.WAKE. UP. what's with all these sleeping sheeple. get up! brrring brrring. hey, sheeple, it's earth calling, WAKE UP SHEEPLE
you'd look sweet upon the seat of a... never mind. you're ugly there too. let's see how you look on a horse or somethin.