"I'm right the fuck here!" - Every clit at some point in time.

If you think someone eating chips & salsa on the couch naked with crumbs on boobs is sexy, then you'd pass out from what I've got going on.

I wear the pants around my ankles in this relationship.

"It's about fucking time." - Me, explaining what a clock is about.

If you recently met a girl who spit your cum in the bathroom sink in a hotel room that "accidentally" burned down, then I need my shoe back.

Now I’m no doctor, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what a headache has to do with the inability to spread your legs.

When the cum hits your face with such eloquent grace, that's amore.

My favorite Kama Sutra position is the one where you go down on me for an hour and then lock the door when you leave.

I don't make my sex partners wear a condom because diseases are nasty.

I make them wear one because children are.

The amount of head I would give to be able to tweet like some of you guys is the exact amount of head I've really given but lie about.

My favorite thing about fall is that I'm usually drunk when I do it.

I go through phases of alcoholism. I call them "depression" and "day to day living".

The shorter the skirt that you wear, the longer a man will let you carry on about your cats.

If you've never busted a fake blood capsule in your mouth as a joke when giving a blow job, then apparently you aren't having fun in life.

When Starbucks starts putting liquor in their coffee I'll start paying $5 for a cup.

If you saw how much booze was in my fridge you'd be like "I can tell from your tweets this is the least of your problems." Then we'd party.

I'd say I want you to be gentle when you star fuck me, but I'd be a fucking lying little whore. You can call me that by the way. I like it.

If you guys saw the tweets I didn't post then you'd be like "wow, I totally agree with her not posting those 604 tweets about horse porn."

I don't mind you constantly telling me that you're well endowed. Shove it down my throat, in fact.

Today marks the lesser known anniversary of when Columbus found out that corn looks the same coming out as it does going in.