Creepy Weatherman sext: You're gonna get 8 inches tonight while you're sleeping

Twitter: Where you can develop feelings for someone but not want to give them any real info about yourself in case they're a serial killer.

Fuck your "RT for more followers". I'll earn mine the old fashioned way, one retarded tweet at a time.

Every once in a while, somebody makes an effort to give a shit about you. Don't dismiss that so easily.

Twitter Bisexual: Likes both RT's and Stars!

Is being a "functioning tweetaholic" a thing yet?

It appears the strong silent type doesn't work well on twitter.

Glad somebody spent money on that study to find out whether woman talk more than men

Next study: Do men scratch their balls more than women

It wasn't great sex unless the thought of calling in sick to spend the whole next day fucking you at least crosses her mind.

Does anybody have the cheat codes for Twitter?

Shouldn't the word vagina win scrabble? I mean it wins everything else.

Would "I'm sorry I came so quickly, but your vagina's like a vice grip" be considered a compliment?

The most beautiful part of a woman is her confidence.

Do pigeons hatch full size? How come I've never seen a baby?

If I know your heart is mine, I will do anything and everything in this universe to make sure you never regret giving it to me.

Stalker sounds all felonious and shit. How about volunteer supervisor?

Awww, your rock bottom is so cute and fluffy. Want to see mine?

Does anybody know how much longer Twitter will last? I think I only have about 5 good tweets left and I need to know how to space them out.

My porn name was "who the fuck let him on the set ?".

My fort has a panic room.