Putting a 13.1 sticker on my car so people know how many donuts I can eat in one sitting

I'M SINGLE AND TERRIFIED OF MINGLING

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 shot someone in the face

I can't believe how much extra time I have now that I've started saying 'jelly' instead of 'jealous'

Don't call me lazy until you've walked like 1/10th of a mile in my slippers and sweatpants.

Hungry? Grab a Snickers. Then like 19 more Snickers.

My iPhone just autocorrected "exercise" to "chips ahoy"

.@chickfila one of your drivethru workers (male) said he liked my (male) mustache. pls punish him he prob has "the gay"

Everyone hold your horses! Hold them tightly. Hold them tenderly. Caress your horses. Kiss your horses. Wed your horses.

Did Alicia Keys ever call the fire department for that girl I'm starting to get worried

Started watching Honey Boo Boo and I'm really startin to like th show its funnny an intereestin an fuul oof gud hyummor n ryal grraatgfertaf

In the dictionary under "awkward" there's just a picture of me giving a hug to someone laying down.

My horoscope just says "ugh"?

I swear if Febreze breaks into one more of my meth labs to film a commercial I am going to lose it

Just drank some coffee (feat. Pitbull)

When's a good time to tell my highway it's adopted?

Cyber monday is definitely my favorite holiday dedicated to internet bullying

The paper in my fortune cookie just says 'ugh'

Finally finished the milk dud I started eating in 2005

My hips just lied to me and now I don't even know who I am anymore