My favorite holiday movie is "Um Actually," it's about a bunch of people who find love while correcting other people's tweets.

There's something rad in all of us. It's a skeleton.

You guys won't think much of him when he finally grows into Ryan Goose.

Eyebrows are hilarious. Love that we have two hair strips on our faces solely to convey emotion. LOVE IT.

At restaurants I like to tear apart the bread basket & then yell "WHY ARE THERE NO GOOD ROLLS FOR WOMEN?" at the server.

The only limit is your IMAGINA--*bangs arm against wall attempting a sweeping gesture*

My safe word is "um, actually".

Whenever I hear "Hotel California" I imagine a field of dads swaying like so many stalks of wheat in a gentle breeze.

W/ the Superbowl, Valentine's Day & the Oscars approaching, the "people announcing things they don't care about" season is in full swing.

My invention is a single rollerblade to accommodate both feet so you can glide down the street like a mermaid of the land.

When I find out someone my age has their shit together, I'm like "How DARE you."

Look, all I want is to be pretty enough that my being funny is constantly called into question.

"Why is everyone in Speed so psychopathically glib?" *looks at Wikipedia, reads words "script doctor Joss Whedon"*

scott pilgrim is the only work of modern fiction to truly grapple w/how FRAUGHT haircuts are, thx @radiomaru

staring at my freshly laundered sheets, waiting for them to just kind of go on my bed, come on little fellas

How many generations before parents start naming their daughters "Cassette."

Can you believe Kim Basinger has done it w/ both Prince & Alec Baldwin? Like, way to experience the full spectrum of masculinity, gurl.

DID U KNOW: Saturday Night Live has been "way better about 10 years ago" since it first aired in 1975.

there are 2 kinds of people in this world: people who are me & people who are NOT me & someday when I die there will only be one kind

I'm just a dog standing in front of a dog standing in front of another dog standing in front of 10 more dogs standing in front of a dog army