Wow, after 8 beers having sex is like putting a marshmallow in a piggy bank

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death praying for a fish.

Not all men are fools.... Some are bachelors

I actually got the guy at starbucks to say large instead of venti.... I consider that my victory for the day

Optimist: someone with little experience

That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master!! Ya, that one!

There are two theories to arguing with women... Neither one works

A fried pickle does sound tempting, but then again, so did marriage.

Marriage?? If I want to unnecessarily complicate my life I will enroll in a calculus class.

I just realized that I have to save up to be poor.

You know that guy who coined the phrase "fuck you". Me either, but he was a genius, and my hero!

You drink too much, you cuss too much and you have questionable morals.. You are everything I always wanted in a friend.

Fact:
It is impossible to bob your head back and forth with your mouth open

You can never win a argument with
1- a drunk
2- a fool
3- a woman

Take my advice, I don't use it anyway

Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake

My girlfriend recently replaced me with a battery powered device, which doesn't even vibrate..... Unless you call her of course...

You ever notice how you never hear about a suicide bombing by a radical atheist group.. Or a mass suicide attempt by a bunch of agnostics

People who tweet all day are different then the world of warcraft players because we can quit at anytime, right?

Whoever said that the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never tried killing a man with a pen before