@texburgher's (Geoff Barnes) most faved Tweets...
We're pretty much uniformly repulsed by walking in on someone when they're masturbating. And yet, open mic night.
I want to believe Julie when she says her cramps are so bad she can't go get me a drink, but between you and me, I think she's ovary acting.
Waste Management just told me that, to protect the landfills from contamination, they don't pick up dirt.
Go ahead, reread that.
I'll wait.
Go ahead, reread that.
I'll wait.
OMG CODEPENDENCE IS SO EXHAUSTING. DONT YOU THINK SO TOO? DONT YOU THINK CODEPENDENCE IS EXHAUSTING TOO?
If there's a confusing double negative that can't not go unused, I've done nothing if not neglected to exclude it anywhere but here.
[Shake]
"There is nothing to undo."
Nothing to undo? Oh iPhone, you and I have lived entirely different lives.
"There is nothing to undo."
Nothing to undo? Oh iPhone, you and I have lived entirely different lives.
Sarah Palin saying she wishes Letterman would "evolve" reminds me of the time my dogs asked me to explain the science of thunder.
The Internet is great for staying connected with friends and family and periodically making me question everything I've done with my life.
I wish I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone.
Maybe there's an app for that.
Maybe there's an app for that.
"Muffin tops?" In my day, we called them "love handles," and made better use of them than smugly judging their owners.
"Why don't you lie down on the couch while I pay bills?" "Why don't I lie on top of you while you forget about the bills?"
Credit score: 480
Credit score: 480
IS THERE SUCH THING AS TOO MANY FAMOUS AMOS COOKIES YES OR NO AND IF YES HOW MANY AND PLEASE CONVERT YOUR ANSWER TO BAGS.
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