Just grounded my kid for telling me "Party Rock Anthem" is his favorite song.

Everything I do is a cry for help.

if you aren't trying to be funny, you're not doing Twitter right

Typos are the internet equivalent of pissing yourself in public.

Is it raining? Let me check Facebook.

I put the hopeless in hopeless romantic.

This twitter account is ruining all my chances at future employment one tweet at a time.

Has anyone ever actually seen a porn that utilized a pizza delivery plot device?

It's cute that iPhone apps quiver in fear before they're deleted.

But really though, is anyone actually surprised the Kony guy was arrested for public masturbation?

I tell you I'm having an all too unexciting night with books, tea and new music until I realize these are actually the most exciting things.

My entire life would be fixed if I just had two thousand more followers

I often just declare my Astrological sign when people ask me to tell them about myself.

I'm pretty much the perfect boyfriend, except I have the tendency to destroy my partners emotionally from the inside out.

how do you conversations

The more often iTunes' Genius is unable to make you a playlist the higher quality your musical taste is.

I've decided to make reservations at all local restaurants for Valentine's Day night so couples can't get them. 

Finals week is the only time its okay to look like crap. But, let's not get crazy, bitches.

It's a doggy-style world.

Why do my friends look at me weird when I tell them I drive in the HIV lane? I have a passenger...