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Working from Home Barbie gets the crappiest outfits... & no bra!
I like my music so loud in the car that my nipples vibrate.
God DAMN I woke up on the good looking side of the bed this morning!
Thank you all for being so hilarious this morning. My legs are now numb from sitting in the bathroom reading all your tweets.
My q-tip addiction may be the deaf of me.
The side of my bed looks like a battery graveyard. I honor the fallen warriors with a short but intense eulogy screamed loudly as possible.
The most dreaded words in the English language: "is Pepsi ok?"
On the pelvic exam, do I get extra points if I can kegel the speculum out? Is there be a bullseye target to aim for? I need to practice!
There's a thin line between sexy bitch & skank & I'm gonna ride the fuck out of it today.
I love making my friends snort-laugh. The snort is the highest non-sexual compliment you can give me.
NEVER joke with a Southern woman about a vegetable tray.
I know it's shallow, but it makes me happy to know I'm further along my sexual bucket list than my ex.
Chick at Target: "do I have an assholes apply here sign over my head?" No but you might wanna check the translation on your Japanese tattoos
How is it you can have rough sex & feel great but sleep peacefully & wake up feeling like you've been thrown down a staircase?
It would be nice to be fucked so hard right now that all thoughts actually fall out of my head. Orgasmic ignorance is BLISS.
If hunters want to know how to attract game they should observe a breakfast bar. God knows these beasts will come eat from your hand.
As a white girl, I've made it my goal in life to learn how to make it clap. So far I can only do it lying down, which is disappointing. :(
LITERALLY just propositioned boyfriend with the line "hey baby, I'm breathing out of both nostrils again!"
These are the days when I miss Deadwood. No one said "cocksucker" with as much intensity as I do with the exception of that show. COCKSUCKER
Fuck I just got subtweeted on facebook. What the hell?