How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth? He ate soup before it was cool!

Too tired to jerk off. Might put a condom on to get rid of this boner. A technique that works without fail. Every single time.

Great looking opinions. Keep this up everyone.

I see you protect your tweets. You're about as secure as a pen shoved through the lock hole on a gym locker.

This life is what I make of it so a grilled cheese sandwich?

I'd come out of the closet and say I am straight if I wasn't so afraid of my family owning me.

Might open a bar and just call it "Divorce".

Everyone doing the crossword in public is just writing "I really hope she talks to me & we fuck" in the empty squares.

Just stubbed my toe. Might blame the Jews.

The suspicious package is in my pants.

Fuck you God. There, I said it.

Bike messengers are great at getting a package across the city quickly in inclement weather. They are just bad at spelling words like "sea".

I just found out that "things change".

I'm not sure what you are talking about. I just re-read Star magazine for the 4th time today and didn't see anything about tornadoes.

Not entirely sure how my pants got on today. Strange feeling.

Your logic is unreasonable and your reason is illogical.

Spending the rest of my day reviewing oxygen bars on Yelp.