Taco the morning to ya - a Mexican leprechaun? I don't know.

Fuck you, it was funny in my head.

7 lost a tooth and swallowed it so he has built a pillow fort to keep the tooth fairy from digging the tooth from his ass while he sleeps.

7 year old fell asleep on the toilet. When woken up all he said was: "pooping makes me tired" before falling back asleep.

Guys can be so ungrateful. I made him breakfast in bed and instead of saying 'thank you' he's all 'how did you get in my house?'

Just fell down the stairs and I didn't spill the beer that I was carrying if anyone needs a new internet girlfriend or something.

Me: Your honor, she signed us up for a 5k because it would be fun and I had to kill her
Judge: All charges dismissed

I just burned spaghetti. I'm available if anyone needs a wife or something.

Saw a guy driving a car with a Nickelback personalized license plate and now I'm covered in blood. Oh my god, so much blood.

I bought new panties today, which means I'll spend the next week consciously trying to not shart.

Pretending I'm Pocahontas, singing Colors of the Wind and dancing with my cat. The line for my hand in marriage starts to the left, guys

I have a king size bed and my cat chooses to curl up with her ass in my face. She didn't even have the decency to bleach her b-hole first.

If you're going to tweet cleavage pics, you might want to make sure they don't hang down to your belly button.

I'm learning Russian so when I scream my love for you it will be terrifying and I'll cry when you run away and please don't go I LOVE YOU!

You lost custody of your children and hang out with gang members? Please, give me more unsolicited advice about how to be a good mother.

The political ads stop tomorrow night and we get back to what's important: erectile dysfunction and reptiles selling us insurance.

A fawn broke its leg jumping the neighbors fence and had to be put down. Makes me glad humans don't get shot for being clumsy motherfuckers.

Teaching 2 y/o's is like wrangling a bunch of drunks. So I know exactly what it would be like if us twitter folk were all in the same room

Received my final divorce papers in the mail today. My first order of business as a single lady is lots of celebratory orgasms.

If you bring me bacon and pancakes instead of flowers after surgery, there's a 100% chance you'll get a beej. I'm a fucking lady after all.

I can't wait until I'm old and people politely ignore my public farting. I will not be ashamed of my flatulence, assholes in McDonalds!