Twitter: Proof that all you need to love someone is for them to make you laugh. And all you need to hate someone is for them to make a typo.

"Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real." - People with anonymous Twitter accounts

Hey, One Direction, you know that "one thing" that she has and you want? I'm pretty sure the medical term is "vagina."

"No, just stop. Don't Google that. It's better if you don't know." - Me, to myself, at least once every time I scroll through my TL

I need to add "Shithead Whisperer" to my resume.

"Here's an avi pic of my boobs. But don't you dare objectify me or send me a DM!" - Way too many women on Twitter

I love the smell of overwhelming self-defeat in the morning.

"Yo, 'sup, Lion?" - No self-respecting gangsta, ever.

After much thought, I still want Morgan Freeman to narrate my life story, but I'd like Samuel L. Jackson to jump in for the good parts.

I need to get a shit-ton of work done today. Which is probably why I'll spend most of the day researching which colander to buy on Amazon.

Subtweet: Some people are just one inspirational tweet away from an unfollow.

Just saw a profile with "Rheumatoid Arthritis" in the bio. So are we declaring our medical issues now?

Insomnia. Hypochondria. Diarrhea.

My house smells like sadness and waffles.

If I were Christian, I'd be really pissed off about how terribly people treated others in the name of my religion.

If you look in the dictionary under "socially awkward," you'll see a picture of me not making eye contact.

Nothing shows your old age faster than signing your emails with a sparkling animated GIF. Also, sending emails.

Listen, young lady. In this house we mind our manners, wash our hands, and think poop jokes are hilarious.

Grad school: Where you learn words like existentialism, deconstructionism, and foundationalism, but forget words like time, sleep, and food.

Duh. That was a stupid question. EVERYBODY on Twitter has bacon. That'd be like asking who has vodka or low self-esteem.

No thank you, work.