I like to lay there after sex, stroking her hair and whispering things like "whhhy are youuuu still hereeee?"

For every woman with a tramp stamp there's a guy with tribal tattoos waiting to go tanning with her.

I think it's cute when girls in there 20's think they already know how to fuck.

If a girl got naked in front of me at this point , I'd probably jerk off out of habit, and fold her in half like my laptop when I'm done.

Reality check, if I have a erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, she's the one thats going to need to see a doctor.

Single moms in their 30's and 40's are single handedly the best kept sexual secret on the fucking planet.

Chicks dig dudes with scars. Mine are rings around my forearm from going deep on a can of pringles, so yeah..

Thug life mother fucker.

My favorite condiment is sarcasm , I put it on everything.

I imagine after naming the toys woody and buzz, the guy at pixar just winked and said "see what I did there"

Twitter,

Because saying this shit out loud gets you a jacket with sleeves that tie behind you.

I would not follow
here or there.
I would follow
anywhere.
I do not follow
twitter eggs and spam.
I do not follow them,
Spam-I-am

The fact that you guys all come free with this twitter app is pretty awesome.

Let's all set a date to close our twitter and Facebook accounts and then sign back up for myspace just to fuck with the investors.

The best foreplay starts with making her mind wet .

Is the black iPhone faster than the white one?

What?

The scariest sound in the world is a completely silent house that has children in it.

Even the biggest accounts on here started with a small following, remember that before you act like a fucking douche to those just starting.

Don't run with the scissors

Don't scissor with the runs

"daddy, why do people quote retweets, instead of doing them normal?"

"because people are cunts sweetie"

Back in my day we didn't call meeting strangers from the Internet in random places for a weekend "tweet ups" we called it "shit you dont do"