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I name my Gummy Worms before eating. Sorry Phil. A tear rolls down my cheek. Andrew, will you rescue Phil? Thanks. More tears. It continues.
My dream is to be on Jeopardy and buzz in before the other contestants and answer every question: "What is Beelzebub?"
Twitter is like my mother sometimes. It reminds
me that I was drunk last night.
The Eagles Outfitters. #80sDepartmentStores
On returning my shopping cart, I always whisper "This will hurt me more than you." before I slam it into the cart in front. Then tears.
Ladies and Gentlemen, that's a wrap. What a crazy ride it has been. Now to celebrate! See you on the other side! #LessThanKind #Beer
Late at night, I like to add a penis to my neighbor’s snowman to remind them they are snowmen.
It rubs the Peanut Butter Cup in its mouth.
Spoken word except with cats.
Writing is like a relationship: You send flowers when all they really needed was a hug.
Would it be confusing if I took my kids to school on Thursday wearing a diaper and holding a bow and heart arrow shouting Happy Halloween?
This year my kids will be sending obituary columns for Valentines Day as a cruel reminder as to what love is.
You're so hot. I want to wrap my mouth around your hotness. Mmmmm. You are my winter hotsicle. - Courtship of a microwavable Pizza Pocket
Urban OutKast. #HipHopDepartmentStores
I am the co-creator of a TV show called Less Than Kind. I am also the co-creator of two kids. Go figure.