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Me: Gimme a blowjob
Wife: Could you be more romantic?
Me: Gimme a blowjob in the rain
So fucking relieved..... That annoying knocking was from the trunk and not the motor.
Weddings are funerals for blowjobs
My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home
I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger
Wonder if potheads realized their shit would be legal by now if they'd quit forgetting to register to vote
My last girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a twelve year old
If you can't fix it with vodka
If my name was Simon, I'd only speak in the 3rd person
I'm not addicted to twitter
I am, however, addicted to the people on twitter
Unlike orgasms, you can't fake funny
Push up bras, hair extensions, heels, skinny jeans, colored contacts, press on nails and I'm the liar?
Wife got back from a two hour lunch date "with a friend" and she's
•hair messed up
I'm thinking Chuck E. Cheese
When you retweet me to your 8 followers it's a fuckload better than you not retweeting me to your 5000+ followers
I like to whisper romantic shit after sex like 'hey...wake up'
25 years of masturbating.... Nothing!
7 months of twitter.... BAM! Glasses!
If you girls do half the shit you say you do.. I'll be the one making the fucking sandwiches!
Sex anywhere you’re not supposed to have sex is exactly where you should have sex
Every time I get laid, I end up smelling like mace.
My sex life has gotten so bad I show up to weekly prostate exams with flowers and a fucking box of candy
There's a line here.... Mostly spermacide and cocaine, but a line never the less. IG thatstingz