Me: Gimme a blowjob
Wife: Could you be more romantic?
Me:
Me: Gimme a blowjob in the rain

So fucking relieved..... That annoying knocking was from the trunk and not the motor.

Weddings are funerals for blowjobs

My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment

Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home

I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger

Wonder if potheads realized their shit would be legal by now if they'd quit forgetting to register to vote

My last girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a twelve year old

If you can't fix it with vodka
It's broke

If my name was Simon, I'd only speak in the 3rd person

I'm not addicted to twitter

I am, however, addicted to the people on twitter

Unlike orgasms, you can't fake funny

Push up bras, hair extensions, heels, skinny jeans, colored contacts, press on nails and I'm the liar?

Wife got back from a two hour lunch date "with a friend" and she's

•still hungry
•hair messed up
•limping

I'm thinking Chuck E. Cheese

When you retweet me to your 8 followers it's a fuckload better than you not retweeting me to your 5000+ followers

I like to whisper romantic shit after sex like 'hey...wake up'

25 years of masturbating.... Nothing!

7 months of twitter.... BAM! Glasses!

If you girls do half the shit you say you do.. I'll be the one making the fucking sandwiches!

Sex anywhere you’re not supposed to have sex is exactly where you should have sex

Every time I get laid, I end up smelling like mace.

My sex life has gotten so bad I show up to weekly prostate exams with flowers and a fucking box of candy