Hey, just a quick tweet to let you guys know I think of you like family. I wish I could give you all unlimited soup and breadsticks.

I've said the word rape a lot today. I hope Klout doesn't think I'm influential in rape.

Well, that was a weird way for alcohol to come back out.

Who told Herman Cain he could sing? That's like telling Hitler that one day, the world will only consist of blonde hair, blue eyed people.

Twitter is a place where you can put your inappropiate thoughts that Facebook friends would judge you on. It's NOT for saving whale babies.

You guys are my best friends in the whole entire internet.

I think I'm drinking expired Fiji water. Yup, I'm that fucking classy that I know what expired water tastes like.

The "I have to wash my hair" excuse doesn't feel too good when you actually have to wash your hair and have no other plans.

What am I supposed to do now Kristen Wiig?? Go out on Saturday nights?

I asked for a water & u bring me a coconut water?? A coconut water?! -what I'd say if we were at the 'be yourself' stage in the relationship

Darkest time in my life was when I followed Amanda Bynes for 9 months on Twitter, that or the time I went to 7-11 at 1 AM & bought a hot dog

Gave my cigarette to the fat lady who was on her cell in 7-11 last nite yelling that she couldn't go to jail, b/c they'd take her child away

It's amazing how well I procrastinated writing today.  I went to church, did 3 loads of laundry, 
found God, and cut myself just delay it.

We aren't going to bring up the fact that McDonalds never has any fat people in their commercials, are we?

Third year in a row Michael Jackson trumped Farrah Fawcett. I was positive that this year would be her year.

You want 50 Shades of Grey? Just watch the fluctuation of my emotions from the time I get up to the time I go to bed.

So MTV's just a breeding ground for unplanned babies & their unfit mothers? Remember when MTV used to be a breeding ground for music videos?

I will never be able to evade the fear that I may die from extreme blood loss during a menstrual cycle.

I'm wearing a shirt from the Gap, so.

Who wants to edit my spec shit for me? Script, I mean script.