My generation's zombies didn't run. They walked...Uphill.. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

A stork might bring you a baby, but a swallow never will....;)

A good way to test your knowledge of swear words is to discover you didn't properly close a can of paint when it falls over in your car.

Female dogs and gardening tools!

If I had a nickel for everytime someone said I exaggerated too much, I'd have six bagillion, cabillion, gajillion, quatrillion nickels. x10

The awkward moment when Superman comes out of the bathroom with his cape stuck in his underwear.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck..

I wonder if a camel thinks it’s foot looks like a vagina...

I do not flirt , I will seduce you with my awkwardness.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

•-• -••• -•-• •--• •• -•• -•-• •--• (if ever you want to say "go fuck yourself " in Morse Code)

Cleavage, its like the sun, you can look...but its dangerous to stare.

I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks

THIS JUST IN :Unicorns are real! They're just fat and we call them rhinos.

My glass is half stupid.

Dear Cell Phone, Please invent a "take back my text" option.

Let's flip a coin. Heads, I get tail. Tails, I get head.