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I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes, it's very distracting.
You haven't lived until you've been violently pushed into a stranger's hands through a narrow opening in your mother.
When I watch Jeopardy, I yell out the answers I know to impress the empty pieces of furniture around me.
It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams, she's seen me in a lot of awkward situations.
I don't get the willies anymore, I'm much too mature; Now I get the williams.
Walking through an office building with a box of donuts is like walking through a high security prison in lingerie.
I'm pretty sure this skinny chick I work with is just googling pictures of food for lunch.
Woah! I almost forgot that it's Drive Like A Total Ass Day!
...good thing I'm behind a bunch of people that remembered.
Just bought a lot of computer parts because eating a gallon of ice cream and crying all night isn't how nerds deal with depression.
I'm like a ninja when it comes to killing spiders.
Ninjas jump around screaming and hitting themselves until the kill is confirmed, right?
Calling somebody "honey" is just a clever way of saying you wish they'd get eaten by bears.
Lunch consumed in a cubicle never needs salt because the tears take care of that.
Rejecting a friend request on Facebook, I said to myself "Who is this creepy guy?!"
Who just befriends hundreds of random Internet people?
The trick to comedy is being able to unmercifully make fun of yourself without having thoughts of suicide.
