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I'm a sucker for a level-headed girl with a pretty smile.
Or a fucking whack-job with nice tits.
Great story, but let me cut to the chase here, sweetheart. I'm trying to bust a nut quick and get back to this funeral.
Just because a man is talking to you it doesn't mean that he wants to fuck you. He may just want a blowjob.
People in love should be allowed to marry, regardless of gender. But lonely people should get free pizza or something.
Fill in a Sudoku puzzle entirely with penises and show the girl next to you for a guaranteed fuck marathon.
A police officer pulled me over. Going to act drunk because I'm too embarrassed to tell him I was eating a taco.
Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging.
When I open a carbonated drink bottle I hardly ever stick my nipple in there.
I sign all my emails with "And there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it."
Unless you're trying to have sex with someone, I don't understand why anybody would dance.
Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue?
"soft...soft...soft...LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE" - petting a cat
I support female sex changes as much as the next guy.
Eminem only accepts hand jobs because he melts in your mouth -- not in your hands.
How old is too old to say "I'm too young to die."? I'm collecting data for my book - "Dying at the Right Age is Tricky"
My dad was in the Walmart explaining how to get the best banana to peel ratio. Sad part is he was holding a toilet brush because hes senile.
BRO: Rode that girl like a horse, brah.
ME: You didn't put your penis in her?
BRO: Huh? Yeah I did.
ME: That is not how you ride a horse.
Stop wishing Jesus a happy birthday, people. He's not going to follow you back.
HI MY FRIEND CAPTAIN MORGAN THINKS YOU LOOK REALLY BLURRY TONIGHT AND WANTS ME TO BARF ON YOU NOW
"You'll never guess who I ran into today!" -- Asian driver
The trick to comedy is being able to unmercifully make fun of yourself without having thoughts of suicide.