I was going to make a joke about missing may the fourth be with you day because I was doing sex but I guess I have to wait another 24 hours

The hardest part about relationships is keeping track of the music I'm supposed to love and loath.

drunk drunk drunk KITE

My favorite grocery store no longer carries my favorite juice or my favorite juice to mix with my favorite juice so goodbye world

If the world wanted me to get anything done today, it would stop putting good Nicholas Cage movies on TV for me to write oxymorons about

"I don't understand why school buses stop at all railroad crossings."

"Some people just can't get enough hammer time." - @lilsailorgrl

Fat free ranch is the holocaust of taste buds

April fools jokes are way funnier two weeks later when you don't even know the person who's car you crapped in

Newborn babies are probably just too drunk on placenta to hold their heads up.

I just instinctively opened a box of donuts in the garbage to see if it was empty, so I'm still that guy

Okay, so apparently it doesn't count as "over the counter" medicine when you have to run in with a mask on to grab it

Nothing says "I keep my wife beaters on hangers" quite like the word hella

We tell our kids not to do things "because we care" but really it's because spending all night in the emergency room sucks

When I'm hungry I tell her "I'd like to propose a peanut butter toast" because my couch is comfortable

English is a tricky language. For instance, "fun fact" always has a silent "I'm an idiot"

Oh yeah, you love me? Here's a list of songs that I crank when they come on the car radio. Okay, I understand. Bye.

I like my hoohaws the way I like my blah-blahs, open for interpretation.

The other side of the pillow is cool and it doesn't get any head, so basically the other side of the pillow is like a cool high school me.

We can put a man on the moon but I still have to punch the goddamn hand sensor in the face to get a paper towel in the bathroom